My Program for Success
My life growing up felt like a story book. I don’t remember there being any real hardships. If my parents had them, I was not aware of them. My parents married young. My mother was 20 years old and my father was 21 years old. My parents use to say, “we all grew up together”. And we did! My brother, sister and I grew up in San Jose, California in what I call the “bubble”. My mother had 10 siblings and all of them had children. We all lived with-in a few miles of each other. We saw each other during the week, on the weekends … ALL THE TIME! This was The Bubble. We enjoyed being with each other. It was wonderful having most of my family in such close proximity with one another.
I went to college in San Jose, California where I met my husband. We got married and I am grateful that we got to raise our family in California, in the same bubble I grew up in. I didn’t really realize the difficulties and challenges that come with living life, until I got married and had a family of my own.
Life Outside of the Bubble
We have two sons and one daughter who is much younger than they are. They are all grown now, but raising my boys was the first time that I honestly felt like I was faced with a real challenge. My family is very female dominated. The men were overshadowed by the large number of strong women in our family - to the point that I didn’t ever really “see” them, though they were there. This was really the first time that I felt like I had to move outside of my “bubble”, because there were not enough boys within my family, to give them role models or someone to relate to and look up to outside of their father.
The Challenges of Raising Smart, Happy Kids… That Come Home
There were a number of challenges that we faced but there are two in particular that stand out for me. My boys were not the type of boys who caused trouble. They were focused. They wanted to be good students and were always in their books studying and working on schoolwork. This was wonderful and I was always proud of them for being so studious. What made it hard was seeing them struggle socially and trying to convince them that working hard in school would pay off and the rest would fall into place. It was difficult for them trying to find like-minded friends. I remember I used to tell my boys, high school girls just want a boyfriend who was hip … all that will change when they get older and when they are looking for a husband. And I raised them to be husbands, not boyfriends.
Kay lives in Carmel, IN and is a retired pharmaceutical industry professional.
She loves spending her days her way.
The other major challenge in raising our boys was raising young black boys into young black men. There were always questions about, why can’t I walk down the street dressed a certain way like my friends do, or why can’t I do this thing that my friends do? When they were teenagers, it was hard for them to hear me say, I don’t know why (the world is the way it is), you just can’t. They understood but then they didn’t. The harder conversations came when they were turning into young men. There was budding manhood in them, that made it unbearable for them to accept being treated as a child, or as if they were less than in any way. Trying to get them to understand that sometimes situations arise and the decision you are faced with, in that moment is, “do you want to come home or do you not want to come home”. I would tell them all the time, “I’m trying to get you to come home and beat the statistic.” I was trying to ensure that they had the opportunity to live up to their potential. These conversations were hard, on a number of levels, not only for them but for me also.
The Secret Sauce to Raising Great Kids: ME!
I get asked all the time, what’s the secret to raising great boys who grew into wonderful men. I tell them it’s a whole lot of things … prayer being in the center of it all. I’m grateful that they made it through these years.
If I look back over how I’ve lived my life, and ask myself, as a mother who has raised her kids, what would I offer to other women, it would be this:
You cannot take care of anyone until you take care of yourself first. The greatest gift you can give your children is a positive example. It’s letting them see you put your health first. My son, who is a doctor, tells people all the time, “your health is no more than an accumulation of what you do every day.” You just don’t wake up old all of a sudden and have these problems. You didn’t just happen yesterday. Your health is an accumulation of how you eat every day, and how much you move every day. Period.
The other thing is making self a priority. I put myself first so that I can put them first. They are so important to me I want to be here for them and my grandchildren. I want to be a good example. Kids watch you all day long. Your words and your actions must match. You can’t say go do your homework and they never see you read a book or write something. It’s the same thing with food and exercise. It’s never too late to start being an example. Then the last thing I would say is, play with your kids, your grandkids, and the kids in your life! And stay as hip as possible!!