You Can Not Give What You Do Not Have - Astrid
Part 1 - Unexpected
Unexpected
Unfair
Transformational
These are just some of the words that I would use to describe what was one of the most devastating events in the past five years of my life. My husband wanted a divorce after 23 years of marriage. I was nearing 50. A couple of years earlier we had just moved across the country from Texas to Iowa for my husband’s career when he told me HE had decided our marriage was over.
I was born and raised in Mexico City, Mexico. My 3 sisters and I lived with my mother and father until at the age of 9, my mother and father divorced. This along with my own divorce were 2 of the most significant and devastating moments of my life.
THE WORDS THAT COME TO MIND
Unexpected
Unfair
Transformational
I loved my childhood growing up in Mexico. I am the second oldest. I remember loving playing with my sisters, my oldest sister in particular. My youngest was like my baby because I took care of her a lot. My other sister and I were so different, but we all loved each other and took care of each other. We had responsibilities at home because my mother worked a lot. We also played a lot. We were poor and didn’t have much so we used our imaginations and just played and had so much fun. I remember our family gatherings also. My mom is one of eleven siblings. We had large family gatherings and that always meant delicious food, fun, and laughter. I loved school also. I was probably what most would call a “nerd.” I had my small group of “nerd” friends that I played with and hung out with. We never got into trouble. That’s not who we were and not what we wanted for ourselves as we grew up. I was always very obedient. I was always very responsible. My friends and I knew we were kind of outcast amongst our peers, but it was okay because we were outcast together. We knew early on that we wanted a different life for ourselves.
My love for school was just the fuel I needed to launch me into my career. I am a Biochemical Engineer and began my career at Eli Lilly in Mexico. I found that I was very good at reading English when I came to the states thanks to all of our technical books being in English. I also studied English while I was in school in Mexico. I thought I was prepared to speak English in the States, until I got here. Having conversational dialogue with someone in your non-native language is very different from learning to say sentences in a different language. You know that feeling when you are somewhere, where everyone is speaking a different language and you think oh my goodness, they are speaking so fast! I thought I knew English but I learned quickly that I did not know it as well as I thought I did. So, I did what any self-reliant, intelligent, career minded woman would do. I started watching Blues Clues and a lot of other cartoons to learn more words and how to converse better in English. I knew a lot of technical words but I knew I needed more and more “everyday living” words and phrases.
Part 2 - Unfair
“Our middle child we lost at 14 weeks old and I was devastated.”
I met my now ex-husband during this time and one of the other most difficult things that I’ve had to face in my life was the difficulty that we had had children. I had help getting pregnant with my first daughter. Our middle child we lost at 14 weeks old and I was devastated. We tried and tried and eight years after my first child was born, we were blessed with our youngest child.
This is just some of my life. I have had many challenges in my life, from growing up in a divorced home while living poor, to moving to a different country and facing the challenges of being “the minority” all of the time - everywhere I went, to dealing with the death of my 14 month old baby, to the devastating blow of my marriage ending, to fighting off depression, and dealing with debilitating arthritis that for a period of time kept me from being mobile. After all of this, I am still here. I am resilient. And, I am doing well.
"After all of this, I am still here. I am resilient. And, I am doing well."
Part 3 - Transformational
I am a researcher of things that are important to me that I don’t understand. I am also a believer. I researched divorce and what could be done to reconcile the marriage so much that there was nothing more to research and I had no more answers than I did when I started. I was very close to being depressed and one day I received this email that talked about meditating and gratefulness and in this email was a recording of a woman named Mary Morrissey where she talked about being grateful for the tears, for the sadness … for all of it. And then do not ask yourself why is this happening to me. Ask yourself what is this situation trying to teach me? I began doing just that. This is where the pivot occurred in my journey. Asking this question of my divorce, and the other things that had happened to me reshaped my own views and it helped me accept these things and helped me reach a new level of gratitude for everything in my life. I still listen to her and I also listen to Jay Shetty who is wonderful and teaches and inspires.
I’ve learned a lot over the years. And I wish that I knew then what I know now. Nonetheless, I am grateful for what I’ve learned and the transformation that I’ve been through. I’ll share some of the biggest lessons from my journey.
As a parent, I can be very caught up in giving so much of myself to the things that my children want. Especially, when they were younger. I tried to give my children as much as I could, to make their lives more comfortable than mine was growing up. There is nothing wrong with wanting your children to have a better life as long as you include yourself also in bettering your life as well as theirs.
It has taken me a while, but after the divorce and with the help of Mary Morrissey’s teaching on self love, well-being, being kind to yourself, and gratitude among other things, I am learning to think of me ALSO like I do when I think about what I want for my children. Just as I want my daughters to live healthy and happy lives, I want that for myself too.
I cannot give away what I do not possess. I have to be able to love and care for myself well, in order to give these things to my beautiful daughters and others . I needed to learn to be calm and have peace and be strong so that my daughters could see me model those things for them.
Do not get caught up in “noise” in social media and things that are not important and that take over the way you spend your time. Be present. Set priorities and work toward the things that are priorities in your life. There are so many detractors, from social media to family. How you operate, as you navigate your journey, all goes back to your values and whether or not you are living according to them. If you value your health, are you living like you do? If you value yourself, are you allowing others to treat you poorly? Do you care for yourself well?
Be wise with how you spend your energy and who you spend it on. Also ask yourself who gives you energy and who takes it away? Spend your time with those who are givers of energy, not those who take your energy away. Some of these people may be unavoidable like family. We all have toxic relationships around us. It could be your mom, your sister, your husband, and figuring out how to set boundaries and deal with them, so that they are not draining energy from you is key. Knowing this and having awareness of the movement of energy between you and others makes a big difference.
Knowing and understanding what “healthy and happy” means to me is important. My relationship with food is based on tradition. It, oftentimes, reminds me of home. I have my “Nutrition Meetup” consultation with Jenn, Fit Chicks Manager and I tell her (in a nice way) that I’m not going to stop eating tortillas. I'd be lying if I said I was. There is an emotional element to food. Eating, for me, is pleasure. It brings comfort and can bring wonderful memories. And I am not going to deny myself that. Jenn works with me on that, so that I do not have to deny myself of the foods that I love. So maybe that looks like having two tacos instead of 3. Or it looks like limiting how often I have pizza. I know that I want to be stronger. With my arthritis, I want to ensure that I am mobile as I get older. I can already see how much stronger I am after only being a Fit Chick since February. AND YES, I’ve lost weight too. But it’s not so much the weight loss, it’s that at 52 years old, I am doing more than I used to! More than I ever thought I could do!
I have learned to have a relationship with fitness. I like to say we are still in the “honeymoon stage”! Exercise was not in my household growing up. It was not in my environment at all. I can do lounges on the ballast balls with weights and keep my balance. I can do planks. I love it when I start sweating because it signals to me that I am taking care of myself … all these things are new and are MY accomplishments.
So I would say, the divorce drove me to Fit Chicks. The divorce drove me to build MY first home, on my own. The divorce drove me to want to take care of me ALSO and to do it well. We often do not know the whys behind what happens in our lives, but I am a believer, and my life has been a testimony to His grace, His mercy, and His love.
To women who see my story, see it not for the struggles that I’ve had, but for my desire and drive to keep going, the desire and drive to learn something new and the desire and drive to really, truly LOVE MYSELF. I love myself
I take care of myself well
And I am grateful. I can give away to others what I now have for myself.
Astrid Cardenas