Not Broken

Something hit me last night that was different for me and pushed me to write this and share it.  My prayer is that my sharing helps someone in some aspect of their journey.  My prayer is that more women will want to walk this journey not alone – but together …

Act I – Brokenesss and Unworthiness – The Lie

I fear a lot of things, if I let myself.  The “if I let myself” piece is new for me. I’ve only been able to add the “if I let myself” piece in the last year or so because of the work that I’ve done and my personal growth.

 Here is where the lie started for me.  I was 9-10’ ish and experienced a childhood trauma that was a breach of everything that was supposed to be right, good and safe between a father and daughter.  The fear, self-loathing, and resulting feelings of brokenness and unworthiness left behind from this trauma, have effected and governed every aspect of my life. I wanted nothing more than to fade into the shadows of every part of my life. I did not want to be “seen” because I was drowning in the shame that I felt over what happened to me. These feelings led to an internal belief of unworthiness that have plagued my relationships, my career, and how I “showed up” in my own children’s lives. It has effected me in every aspect of my life, everything, including having played a role in my weight ballooning to well over 320 lbs.

Act II – Deciding I wanted to live and live differently … Learning the power of community and awareness

Fast forward.  Praise God.  I am still here, and I have done a lot of work over the past few years to heal from that trauma.  I am grateful to God for all that he has done for me and for the people he has placed in my life to help me and come along side me in this journey. (#community)

A lot of the work I did had to do with being present and understanding what I was thinking and feeling … it had to do with being aware.

I won’t go into detail and specifics here, so that I can get to my point quickly.  I was one of those people

who didn’t fully understand what it meant to “have an awareness” around what I was thinking and what I was feeling.  It seems simple enough, to know what you are thinking and feeling, but I was so used to living with the negative beliefs and lies that I told myself, it made it difficult to see through that fog, to what was really there.

This awareness thing, for me, has been critical in my healing AND in my healthy and happy journey.  This thing of being aware of what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling and what I’m doing, has levels to it. If I had stopped at - what I call – “ the first level” and not stayed with it to dig deeper and understand the “why” behind why “I think” that, or why “I do” that, or why “I feel” that, … what happens to me in Act III would not have been possible.

Act III – Not accomplished on my own … still walking

I could talk for days about the specific things that are different for me now, but I will be brief.  Today, I can say, I lost 100lbs in my healthy and happy journey.  Today I can say that my lifestyle, now includes training (working out – weights and carido) 4 times a week – EVERY week.  I have always enjoyed food and I still do.  I enjoy just about all of the foods that I used to enjoy – I have learned to enjoy them differently, or by having less of certain things (i.e. meat) and more of other things (i.e. vegetables).  None of this journey is ever perfect. There are days where I eat too much and I don’t see anything remotely close to a vegetable. I have gained a few pounds back and been able to lose it again and I now know that I don’t have to panic when this happens (and it will) because I have tools that I can use that will help me get it off.

Everything I have talked about, moving through processing feelings of shame and beliefs of unworthiness … exercising 4 times a week, changing how I eat, learning tools to help keep the 100lbs off … none of this was done on my own. I had help. I had support. I had a community of women who walked this journey with me … I had someone in my ear who kept saying, “just keep going.”

Everybody has “stuff” in their lives that help to shape who they become. Not every women’s “stuff” is the same, nor should it be compared, because every women’s “stuff” is “her own stuff” and “stuff” can impact one woman differently than it does another. We are unique. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. No matter where your starting point is with “well-being”, what I know to be true is that the “well-being” piece is HUGE in our healthy and happy travels.  The “if I let myself” piece I talked about earlier has reminded me that I can choose to set my fears down – I don’t have to carry them with me everywhere I go. I don’t have to let fear or unworthiness in to every area of my life.  Just the other day, I chose to set my fears down when I shared my story with another lady who is on this journey.  Sometimes choosing something different is really hard. But now I am motivated to choose living my life differently than I did for the first 50 years of my life, because I have seen what making different choices can lead to and I love it!

For this next 50 years, I have chosen me. I have chosen to love me. I have chosen to take care of me, like I take care of the loved ones in my life. I have chosen to not let the demons of my past rule my present or my future. And I have chosen to seek help when I need it. Was it hard? Absolutely. Is it still hard? Sometimes. Through making different choices, I now have new lenses from which to view my world. I can now view my world through the lens of knowing that I am whole and not broken … that I am worthy of love and being in community with loving people. I have committed to continuing on my journey, to keep going and not give up, and to share my walk with you.

I’m hopeful that I will get to know some of you along the way, as you walk your journey. I am hopeful that other women will want to walk their journeys in community with us.   Thanks for reading my story. 😊

ACT IV – I cannot wait to see what is next …